A Mother's Guilt

I'm naturally a guilt ridden person, and having a child with a bleeding disorder enhances this feeling ten fold.  I'm constantly questioning if what I just said to my daughter is going to emotionally scar her for life and if I'm being a good enough parent.  For as long as I can remember I've been a "people pleaser" and felt like I needed to be "perfect".  I actually get physically nauseated when I think I've done something to upset a loved one and will stress about it long after the event.  But after I had Scarlett and we were both diagnosed with Platelet Storage Pool Disorder, my guilty persona really came in to play.  

The thing I find myself stressing about the most, ..........is time.  There simply aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I want to accomplish.  And I'm always feeling horrible that my children are getting the short end of the stick. I'm constantly trying to balance giving each child the attention they need, stroking my husbands ego, raising awareness of PSPD,  keeping my house clean, going to Dr appts, cooking the perfect meal, all while working 30 hours/week and only sleeping an average of 5 hours a night.
 Now, I know I'm not the only parent with a load like mine and know that there are countless other parents who take on much more, I'm just here to admit I don't like it!

 I don't remember this now oddly familiar "guilt" feeling settle in until I went back to work after my second child was born.  I was fortunate enough to stay home with my first born until I was blessed with an opportunity to teach at a preschool she could attend.  I'm proud to say. . . for the first 2 1/2 years of Scarlett's life I gave my all to her.
And all though tricky at times. . .  once I started working, my husband and I were able to find a balance to continue to give her endless attention, while keeping up on all our daily chores.  After my son, Walker was born.....all that changed.  I went back to work within 3 months and have been working almost full time since.  I hate that I've missed out on so much of my sons beginning years and in some ways dont think I'll ever forgive myself for it.
 But we had to sit down and make a game plan when Scarlett was diagnosed with PSPD and this was part of the deal...... My husband had to work nights and stay home with Walker during the day and eventually Scarlett once she was in grade school, (until Walker was old enough to be at preachool with me). We felt as hard as it would be on the family we had to find a way to have both parents working, yet one of them "available" at all times for Scarlett.  I've tried to cut back my hours at work to be able to be home more, but I still can't afford to cut them back as much as I'd like. I would love to be able to volunteer in Scarlett's classes more and can't believe how little I've done with Walker by himself.

I know I put a lot of the guilt and expectations of being the "perfect parent" on myself and can confidently say I know there is no such thing, but I'm still probably going to kill myself trying.  This world is filled with daily reminders of what expectations are put on the parents of this generation.  Whether Pinterst is showing us 20 new crafts to do with our kids or ways to spruce up our home or we are watching TV shows glamorizing the lifestyles of the rich and famous......parents now a days have a different standard to live up to then generations past.  We put a lot of pressure on people to make it big and have a lot of money.  When in reality most of us are barely living above the poverty line and are struggling to give there children all that they want and need.  

My bleeding disorder community has been a wonderful way to keep myself grounded and remind me to stop and smell the roses.  There's always someone out there that was dealt a shittier hand and thats why I've become such an advocate for raising awareness of Platelet Storage Pool Disorder. I've been fortunate enough to have my daughter and I diagnosed with PSPD, therefore we can take the precautionary steps to keep us as safe as possible.  There are many out there who haven't been so lucky and I try to remind myself of that anytime I'm freaking out about how hard we have it. Life is too short to put so much extra guilt and pressure into parenting! Instead I need to try and live every day as if it were our last and not stress so much about the small stuff.

Written by,

Kari Peepe

©KariPeepe/atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com
http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com

For more stories on raising children, when one of them has a bleeding disorder please check out:

• Raising Siblings, when one of them has a special disorder: http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2013/11/raising-siblings-when-one-of-them-has.html
• It Takes a Village: http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2013/12/it-takes-village.html
• My little prince, (the non bleeder): http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2014/01/my-little-prince.html
• Family Fun Days-keeping the kids entertained safely: http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2014/02/family-fun-days.html
• My son bites Scarlett: http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2014/02/no-no-bite.html
• Another Day of Being Riddled w/Guilt: http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2014/04/another-day-of-being-riddled-with-guilt.html
• The What if's: http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-what-ifs-of-life-with-bleeding.html
• A local flood, fills us with fear: http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2014/12/flooded-with-fear.html
• Call me paranoid, but this is the parent I've become: http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2014/12/call-me-paranoid-but.html
• Scarlett learns to give back: http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-gift-of-giving.html
• Scarlett learns to advocate: http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2015/10/proudest-momma-on-blockmy-little.html
• Becoming her own protector: http://atouchofscarlett.blogspot.com/2015/10/infusing-loveher-own-protector.html